Bless you.
I am not a crook. I am not a crook.
"She kissed Stuart and thanked him. "
"'How was it down there?' asked Mr Little,...
.. who was always curious to know about places he'd never been to. "
"'It was all right,' said Stuart. "
Back off, asshole!
Beat it!
Broke my bag, the bastard.
Lover boy's here.
What a beautiful little car for Don Juan.
So sad when that happens!
It was ourjunior year in college, and your mother got asked to design this big float.
I wasn't that young. That's my picture.
.. flying out everywhere, hit you in the face.
- That's not true! - It was like 'Jaws'.
- Isn't that the pretty picture! - Oh. Mrs Doubtfire.
Miranda. What a pleasant surprise to see you home so early, dear.
- And who is your gentleman caller? - This is Stu.
- He just wanted to come and meet the kids. - Oh, did he?
Ah, this must be the famous Mrs Doubtfire.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Yes, well... Miranda's been raving about you.
- Odd. She's never mentioned you. - No?
- No. - Well... It's good to meet you.
- You, too. - Yes.
I have a home in London. I was born there. What part of England are you from?
- Here and there, dear. All over, really. - Yes?
- Accent's a little kind of... muddled. - Really? So is your tan.
Dear, can you help me with something? I found this outside.
Er... yes. This is off my Mercedes.
Off your Mercedes, dear? You own that big, expensive car out there?
Oh, dear. They say a man who has to buy a big car like that...
.. is compensating for smaller genitals.
But not in your case, cos I see that you're a strapping lad, aren't ya?
- It was lovely to meet you. - You too, dear.
- Mrs Doubtfire, may I speak with you? - Ooh, certainly, dear.
Could you stay a few extra hours this evening?
Stu. That's more of a thick soup than a name, really.
It's a name. It's short for Stuart.
- Is it? - Yes. He's a client. And a friend.
- He was a friend. He is a friend. - What is he?
- I don't know what's happening. - What is it, dear?
- Isn't he fabulous? - Oh... kind of, dear,...
.. if you like that handsome, rugged type.
But personally I prefer short, furry and funny.
He just wants to go out and have a drink.
- I think that's pretty harmless. Don't you? - Absolutely not, dear.
- They always have other intentions. - This is business, mostly.
I'll just sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples.
Dear Miranda. Wake up and smell the coffee, dear.
Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes?
It's too soon, dear. Really.
You've got to give your divorce time.
Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed. All right?
Mrs Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?
Certainly, dear.
How long after Mr Doubtfire passed away...
- Winston. - Winston.
.. did you feel any... desire...
- Never. - Never?
- Never again. - Never again?
Once the father of your children is out of the picture,...
.. the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy.
- Celibacy? - Yes.
And if you violate that, heaven forgive ya.
Good luck.
Thank you.
"Preponderance. "
P- R-E...
.. P-O-N...
.. D-E-R... A-N-C-E.
Bravo. "Discriminate. "
D- I-S... C-R...
.. I-M-I-N-A-T-E.
Oh, that's very good. Will you excuse me, dear? Call of nature.
Check those. I'll be right back.
- Oh, God. - Oh, God!
- Oh, my God! - Chris! Wait!
Lydia! We gotta call the cops!
- We gotta dial 911 now! - Why?
Mrs Doubtfire... He's a she! She's a she! He's a she-she!
- What? - Uh... Uh...
- He's half man, half woman! - What?
- All right, everyone. Calm down. - Freeze! Or you're gonna get it!
- In the balls! - Yeah!
- She's got 'em? - She's got everything.
All right. Listen to me.
I'm not... who you think I am.
- No shit! - Watch your mouth, young man!
Oh, my God.
- Dad? - Yeah.
- Dad? - Yeah, honey.
You don't really like wearin' that, do you, Dad?
Well, some of it's comfortable... No! No.
It's a pain in the padded ass. This is not a way of life. It's just ajob.
I don't go to old-lady bars or anything like that after work.
It's the only way I could see you guys every day.
- Who did this? - Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.
Oh.
It's really you in there.
Yeah.
It's just a mask. And this is a body suit. I didn't have any operations or anything.
- It's good. - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Sorry I scared you. Come here, Chris. - No. No, it's OK.
I get it. I just... don't wanna hug you or anything.
- Not just yet. - That's cool. It's a guy thing.
Yeah.
Well, now that you know, you can't tell Mom, OK?
Cos if she finds out, I'll only be able to see you through plate glass. OK?
And we can't tell Nattie, cos she'll blow my cover.
So you have to promise me, it's just us. All right?
- You promise? - Yeah.
It's OK.
All right? It's our little secret.
Most of the dinosaurs... were herbivorous.
But this 'Tyrannosaurus rex'...
.. is a carnivore.
The reptile-like... 'Saurischia'...
.. Saurischia...
.. and the bird-like...
.. Ornithischia.
Now... we're going to go...
.. where no human being has ever been.
Oh, no.
Which one's the dinosaur?
- The one in the middle, I think. - Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct.
I can't believe they're still subjecting kids to this. This is insane.
There should be a disclaimer: Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show.
It's incredible.
This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. It's amazing.
He has the warmth of a snow pea. Makes Mr Rogers look like Mick Jagger. It's insane.
What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for 25 years?
Me.
You?
Jonathan Lundy.
Jonathan Lundy, General Manager, owner?
Oh. I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.
Ah. Maybe.
That's funny.
I don't mean to criticise. I just...
- Sometimes I have... - Criticise all you want. Show's terrible.
I'm gonna cancel it. It's pullin' down the whole afternoon schedule. It's gone.
You know what you gotta do?
Start from scratch. Give it... maybe a musical number.
- A little 'Tyrannosaurus rex' comes out... - Hillard, get your ass to the truck.
That shipment's gotta make a six o'clock flight to LA.
Tone, this is Mr Lundy.
- He knows who I am. - Yeah.
Did you ever wish that you could freeze-frame a single moment in your day,...
.. look at it and say "This is not my life"?
Walk, walk
He said:
Walk like a man, talk like a man
Walk like a man, my son
No woman's worth crawling on the earth...
Miranda. What are you home early for, dear?
I had an appointment. Oh, thank you!
- With the court liaison. Mrs Sellner. - Oh!
- I can't believe it. - What, dear?
She says Daniel has some woman living with him pretending to be his sister!
- Oh...! - I told her he doesn't even have a sister.
Mrs Sellner's probably mistaken.
She's a social worker, dear. Really!
And besides, how could he replace you?
And so quickly. Really!
She's supposed to be older and very unattractive.
Really? Oh.
Mrs Doubtfire.
- Yes? - Did you and Mr Doubtfire ever...
- You must have had your share of problems. - Oh, of course, dear. What marriage doesn't?
But I always say: the bad times fade away,...
.. and the good ones adhere themselves to your memory.
- Yes. Excuse me. - That's all right.
Oh... As I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston. God rest his soul.
When did he... pass on?
Eight years ago, dear. This November.
What happened?
- He was quite fond of the drink. - Ah.
- It was the drink that killed him. - How awful.
- He was an alcoholic? - No. He was hit by a Guinness truck.
So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.
- How tragic! - Yes.
Oh, but he was a good man, though, really.
A sainted man.
And despite his mountains of faults, dear,...
.. I always say: a flawed husband is better than none at all.
- Who needs a husband when I've got you? - Surely you don't mean that, dear?
- Well... - Oh, that's so sweet!
You can't imagine what it was like being married to Daniel.
Tell me, dear. What was so horrible about this man you lived with for 14 years?
Well, at first, nothing.
He was... He was so... romantic.
- So passionate. - Really?
He sounds like an absolute stud, dear.
I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but...
.. how was he... you know... on a scale of 1 to 10?
Oh, well. That part was always...
.. OK.
Just OK? Oh.
He was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.
- What was the matter with Winston? - Oh, dear.
Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself. "
It was Daniel's spontaneity and energy I fell in love with.
Really?
Everyone else I knew was so organised, so scheduled.
Like me, I guess.
But Daniel was so wonderfully different. And funny. He could always make me laugh.
I always say: the key to a solid marriage is laughter.
But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny.
- Why? - I was working all the time and...
.. he was always between jobs. I hardly ever got to see the kids, and...
.. if I got home early to be with them, something would go wrong.
The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up.
He never knew, but so many nights I just... cried myself to sleep.
Really?
The truth is, I didn't like who I was when I was with him.
I would turn into this horrible person.
I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that.
When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better.
And... I'm sure he's better when he's not with me.
Well, you never...
I mean... Did you ever say anything to him, dear?
Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious.
I used to think Daniel could do anything... except be serious.
But then, I was serious enough for everybody.
- Oh! - This is great!
Isn't this posh!
I'll bet it's very exclusive. Probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.
- Amazing! - Oh, Nattie.
Not a single body that exists in nature. Look at that.
- Lydie... - There's Stu!
Where? Oh. On the board.
Oh, isn't he a stunning piece of work?
Look, Nattie. That's called liposuction.
Wow!
I hope he had protection, hitting the water at that speed.
- Let's go say hi. - Let's do, please.
- Wow! That's amazing. - Stunning.
- Hello! You look lovely! - Hi.
Oh, guys, I'm so glad you could make it.
- By the looks of you, that water's so cold! - Yes, well...
Your tummy looks different from my daddy's.
Oh, Nattie! Not everyone has their own personal trainer.
- Got your swimsuits? Wanna go for a dip? - That'd be great!
- Good! How about you, Mrs Doubtfire? - Oh, you wicked, wicked man!
Isn't there enough flesh here for you to feast your eyes on?
- Come, Mrs Doubtfire. Don't be bashful. - No, dear. They've outlawed whaling.
- We'd be re-enacting the Titanic. - Come on, Mrs Doubtfire.
Oh, no. Just go. Leave me here. I'll just sit in the sun and crisp.
You can't get heatstroke twice in the same year.
OK. Well, let's go, kids. Swim time.
- Go, dear. I'll be fine. - Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire.
- Anything you need, put it on my tab. - Thank you, dear.
Touch me again and I'll drown you, you bastard.
I'll just sit here and watch you move in on my family.
Hello, hello.
Oh, God. What am I doing here? This is beyond obsession.
Oh, God...
- Is everything all right, ma'am? - Fan-bloody-tastic.
- Can I have another? - Sure.
Great.
- Hi. - Soda with a lime, please.
- It's on me. - No, thanks.
Four iced teas, Todd.
So, whose rugrats?
Miranda Hillard's.
- Miranda Hillard? - Mm-hm. The woman I'm seeing.
No kidding? You? The guy who's never having kids?
Won't have anything to do with kids? You won't even date a woman with kids.
People change, Ron.
I'm pushing 40. I don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself.
She's got an awful lot of baggage. Three kids.
Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them. Especially little Natalie. Look at her.
She's a sweetie pie.
God knows they need a stable father figure in their life right now.
- What about their real father? - What can I say? The guy's a loser. I'll see ya.
Loser? Oh, yeah?
Oh, sir!
I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them?
Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting.
I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.
Oh... Oh...
Good waste ofjuice.
Loser.
What are you lookin' at?
Hi, boys and girls.
Today we'll be talking about dinosaurs.
It's... A Dinosaurus Line!
And please welcome... the king!
It's a dinner show. Hi! Where you from? I'm gonna make you lunch.
- Thank you very much. - Thank you! All right!
Ladies and gentlemen, put your claws together!
Please welcome... James Browntosaurus!
I eat wood, di-na di-na di-na din
It tastes good, di-na di-na di-na din
No meat, big feet
I eat wood - pum pum pum pum! Ow!
Oh, I got to help myself! Can't go on! I'm goin' extinct!
Oh, thank you, James. But right now - yo! It's time for the Raptor Rap!
I'm a raptor, doin' what I can
Gonna eat everything till the appearance of man
Yo, yo, see me, I'm livin' below the soil
I'll be back but I'm comin' as oil
Very impressive, Mr Hillard!
- I didn't know anybody was watching. - I was watching. That's funny stuff.
- Well, thanks. - I think kids'd like it.
- They'd be entertained and get information. - That's kinda my theory.
You don't have to play down to 'em, just play to 'em.
- Listen, I'd like to hear more of your ideas. - My ideas?
- How about a dinner meeting? - Wow. OK.
Next Friday. Bridges Restaurant. Seven o'clock sharp.
I'll be there.
Take five.
Take five million. You're dead.
We've just had our first home-cooked meal. I'm domestic now, huh?
- This is terrific, Dad. - You want more spaghetti?
- No, I'm stuffed. - Garlic bread? I made it myself.
Well, I didn't make it myself. I cooked it. I sliced it.
It's OK, Dad. Thanks.
The place looks great. The food's terrific.
I'm really proud of you.
Yeah. Me, too.
Me, too.
I'll be right back.
- Thank you for knocking. - Yeah.
Whoa! Look at this!
I see you got someone to clean for you.
- No. - You...?
- Hi, guys. - Hi, Mom.
- Are they ready? - No. They haven't had dessert yet.
- You cooked? - Yes. I cook, I bake, I sew.
Thanks to this Amish home study course I'm doing.
- I'm very impressed. - Really?
Give me a second chance. OK? Let me take the kids after school.
- I can't get rid of Mrs Doubtfire. She's terrific. - Why not?
She's the best thing that ever happened to us.
The kids are all doing better in school. Chris is passing every single subject.
I find myself getting home early just to be with them. We're all doing so great.
Whooh! Sounds like an amazing woman. Too good to be true.
She is.
- I kinda like the black one. - Me, too.
I don't know. Actually... Mrs Doubtfire!
- Yes? - We need another woman's opinion.
Oh! Then I'm your woman.
- Which one? - What's the occasion?
- It's my birthday. - Oh!
- Stu's taking me out to dinner. - Oh...
- Neither. - Neither?
They're both too brazen, dear. They cry "harlot".
Red is the traditional colour for streetwalkers.
And the black one is far too short. I hope you waxed.
They both say to me "I'm easy. "
You want to be Kilimanjaro on your first date - inaccessible.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
No, let's find something more your own age.
Something a little less tawdry.
Let's see.
How about this lovely frock? Tasteful, elegant...
Don't you think?
And old. I wore that to my aunt's funeral in 1976.
A classic never dies, dear. I think it's time to revive it.
I think we should ask the kids. What do you think?
- I'd go with the short, black one. - Yeah. It's the most fun.
There. You see? I agree.
Fine. You ask my opinion, then don't take it.
- I will not be held responsible for your virtue. - You'll be there to protect me.
- Stu has invited you and the kids to join us. - Oh, how lovely! One big, happy family.
I wouldn't miss that for the world! Should be smashing good fun!
- I'm so glad. - When is this enchanted evening?
Friday night, seven o'clock.
- This Friday at seven? - Yes. At my favourite restaurant. Bridges.
- Bridges? - Yes.
- Friday at seven. - Bridges.
Sorry.
- Bridges? - Yes! Bridges.
- The restaurant Bridges? - Friday at seven.
- I can't. Please, don't. It's bingo night, dear. - Cancel it.
I can't, dear. It's my turn to pull the balls at the rectory.
- Please join us. - Don't ask me that, dear.
I can't have my birthday without you.
It's so important to us that you be there. You're part of the family now.
I can't have a birthday without you. It would mean so much to me and the children.
Please promise you'll come with us, Mrs Doubtfire. You just have to.
Who could resist that little face?
- I promise. - Thank you!
- Thank you. - Thank you, dear.
- Oh! Are you all right? - I'm fine.
Let's see... Nothing.
- Anything in May? - Not a thing.
It doesn't look good.
I'm sorry. Mr Lundy is completely booked for the next two months.
- I'll meet him any time, anywhere. - Sorry. There's nothing I can do.
Please. I can't cancel. It's a huge opportunity.
Take my advice: don't cancel.
Thank you.
- Come along, Nattie. - Hello, darling!
- Shouldn't you cover your shoulders? - No! I'm fine.
- Good evening, Mr Lundy. - Good evening.
Oh, God. Here we go.
- Mrs Doubtfire, you look wonderful. - Thank you.
Come on. I hope you're all hungry.
- Good evening, Mr Lundy. - I'm meeting someone. Is he here?
No, I'm sorry. He hasn't arrived yet.
But we can seat you. Smoking or nonsmoking?
- Nonsmoking, please. - Nonsmoking...
- Tanya will seat you. Table 15. - This way, please.
- Reservation. Dunmeyer. - Yes, sir.
- Smoking or nonsmoking? - Nonsmoking.
- Smoking! - Mrs Doubtfire, you don't smoke.
No, I don't. But I did.
I found the best way to keep from smoking again is to be around those who do smoke.
I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine and it steels my wool.
And I know you're Mr Health. Bless you for putting yourself in harm's way.
- Smoking. - All right. Table 39.
- Follow me, please. - 39! My age! You're a saint.
Thank you very much for humouring an old lady.
- He's pissed already. - Mrs Doubtfire?
- Would you... like to join us? - Ooh. I thought I saw Clint Eastwood.
That would make my day! He is such a stud-muffin.
Will you excuse me, dear? I have to check my wrap.
- Oh, I can do it for you. - Oh, no, please. I'm quite capable of...
All right, dear. There you go.
- Oh, and your bag too, ma'am. - Drop it!
Oh, I'm very sorry, dear. It's my medicine.
- I have to go take my medicine now. - We have water at the table.
I can't take it orally, dear. I'll be right back.
- Would you like something to drink? - Oh, yes. A good stiff Chardonnay.
I like 'em light and woody.
- Hello. Bridges Restaurant. May I help you? - Yes. My name is Daniel Hillard.
Mr Lundy is expecting me for dinner. Will you tell him I'm running late, but I'm on my way?
- I'll deliver the message personally, sir. - Thank you.
Oh!
Oh, Stu!
- Wow! - It's beautiful.
It's gorgeous! Thank you!
Oooh! Did I miss anything?
Well, yes. Look. This is the gift that Stu gave me for my birthday.
Ohhhh!
- Isn't it gorgeous! - Is it real?
It is very real, Mrs Doubtfire.
You can either wear that or feed a small country. That's so nice. So decadent.
Mommy, I need to go.
- Mrs Doubtfire, would you take her? - No. You.
- She wants you, dear. - Well... I'll be right back.
OK.
Yes, well...
Children, look at that lovely dessert tray over there.
Why don't you go over and pick what you'd like now so they could reserve it?
- We'll be back. - All right.
That's a pretty impressive bauble you got her.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
A fella gives a gift like that, he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh?
Bit of a going-down payment, huh?
- Excuse me? - You know, dear. Sink the sub.
Hide the weasel? Park the porpoise?
Bit of the old humpty dumpty?
Oh, dear. I'm sorry. Am I being a little graphic? Sorry.
- I hope you're up for a little competition. - I beg your pardon?
She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her personal jackhammer.
She uses it and the lights dim. It's like a prison movie.
Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth. Ooh!
I hope you bring cocktail sauce.
She's got crabs. And I don't mean Dungeness.
I'm being blunt as a spoon, aren't I?
Forgive me. Oh...!
It's the wine. Oh, gosh!
Be back in a flash. All right? My tiny bladder.
- Mrs Doubtfire! - What?
- You're going into the men's room. - No! Oh, so it is!
I do need new glasses, dear. Sorry!
Hello!
Aagh!
Jesus! God!
- Excuse me. May I have a menu? - Of course.
- What's France like? - Very beautiful.
Thank you very much.
- Mr Lundy. - Oh, hi.
- Sorry I'm late. Did you get my message? - Yes. Sit down.
- How about a drink? - Sure. I'll have what he's having.
Double Chivas on the rocks.
Bring him two doubles so he can catch up.
- A Scotch drinker, huh? That's my kinda guy! - Gentlemen, start your engines.
- OK, everybody. Are we ready to order? - Yes, I believe we are. Children, fire away.
Shouldn't we wait for Mrs Doubtfire?
Yes.
OK.
- Ah! - Ah!
- Ahaha! - Ahaha!
- How are we doin'? - No, no.
Oh, yes. Come on.
All right.
Now...
What can you do to help the ratings on the kid show?
Bottom line: don't patronise kids. They're little people.
You gotta personalise it. Make it fun. If it's something you'd enjoy, they'd enjoy it.
- That's what I'm interested in. - Bingo!
Well, I wonder what's happened to Mrs Doubtfire.
- We could cross over to the news. - Would you excuse me for a moment?
But...
- May I help you, ma'am? - Yes, dear. Thank you very much.
Oh! Oh, my goodness!
I'm so sorry! It's my fault.
- Forgive me. Excuse me. - I'm all right. There we go.
Thank you. Oh, let's see here!
- May I take your order, ma'am? - Oh, yes.
Wooh!
Let's see. I'll have the...
.. poached salmon.
- And you, sir? - I'll have the jambalaya.
- Make mine not spicy. I'm allergic to pepper. - Certainly, sir.
Thank you. Cheers. Your health.
Oop.
Oh, my God.
So sorry about that. Just one moment.
Carpe dentum - seize the teeth.
Let me assist you.
A spoon. Oh, how clever. Wait. I've got it.
Wait. There, there. Make a pincer.
Come at it from both sides. Together - up, up, up.
Oh... Oh! Thank you. There it is.
Just shake them off, like a dog.
Sorry. Oh, forgive me.
- That's all right. - Sorry about my spray.
I'll be right back. I just have to re-attach them with a little adhesive.
- Tell him to puré'e the salmon, if you will. - Puré'e the salmon.
Thank you. Sorry about that.
Oh, that one.
Oh. I didn't know there was someone else in here. Sorry.
Damn it! Oh, there it is. Urgh!
Excuse me.
Where the hell have you been? I ordered you another Scotch.
Bully!
- Daniel? - Hm?
Are you wearing ladies' perfume?
Yes, I am.
Are you wearing lipstick?
Yeah.
Why?
- It rubbed off. - From whom?
A girl I used to date. She's a waitress.
- A waitress? Here? - Oh, yeah.
On the way to the bathroom... Couldn't keep her hands off me.
- You dog! - You scallywag!
Hey, hey.
I got the stretch outside. Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?
- Hey, it's the '90s. - No, no! I mean...
Does she have a lady friend for me?
- Go ahead. Ask her. - I'll go ask her.
Go on. Come on, go get 'em!
Hey, Dan! Dan!
I need my order for table 39!
- Relax. I'll be out in a minute. - Thank you! Great.
39.
Table 39!
Hot jambalaya!
- Can I help you, ma'am? - Sorry I'm late.
But after all those Scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.
- Daniel? - Yeah.
Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?
Oh, damn.
Well...
I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.
Host?
Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialise in the education and entertainment of children.
Surprise!
Oh, thank you very much.
- This looks terrific. - Where's Mrs Doubtfire?
Well, I hope the dear lady's all right.
- Shall we start? - Yes. Let's start. I don't want it to get cold.
Bon appétit.
Tell me. Why would Mrs Doubtfire be a good host?
I'm a hip old granny who could hip-hop, bebop, dance till ya drop,...
.. and yo, yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.
Stu? Stu...
Oh, he's choking. He's choking!
Help us! Somebody help! He's choking! Help us!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- He's choking here! Call 911! - Oh, no. I killed the bastard.
- Mrs Doubtfire! Help us! He's choking! - Help is on the way, dear!
- Mrs Doubtfire! - Help is on the way!
- Mrs Doubtfire, he's choking! - Hold on, dear.
One more time, dear. Work with me!
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Aaarghhh!
I'm all right.
- Are you all right? - Yes.
Almost lost ya.
Oh, Dad.
Oh, my...
Daddy?
Yeah, honey. It's me.
Happy birthday.
Daniel...
Daniel! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
The whole time... The whole time...
- The whole time? - I'm sorry, Miranda. Please?
Don't talk to me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave!
We have to leave now! I have to go! We're going.
- You guys go. - I'm sorry, Dad.
Bye.
Sorry about the pepper. I was...
What are you lookin' at? Show's over.
Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks?
Nothing further, Your Honour.
Mr Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney,...
.. you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.
Your Honour, in the past two months, I've secured a residence, refurbished it...
.. and made it "an environment fit for children". Those are your words.
I'm also holding down ajob as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements.
Ahead of schedule.
In regards to my behaviour...
.. I can only plead insanity.
Because, ever since my children were born,...
.. the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them.
Once I held them, I was hooked.
I'm addicted to my children, sir.
I love them with all my heart.
And the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day...
It's like someone saying I can't have air.
I can't live without air, and I can't live without them.
Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them. I know I need that, sir.
We have a history.
And I just... They mean everything to me. And they need me as much as I need them.
So, please,...
.. don't take my kids away from me.
Thank you.
Mr Hillard...
You've been able to fool a lot of people into believing that you're a 60-year-old woman.
No easy task.
And your little speech seemed to be... very heartfelt and genuine.
But I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.
- No. It's not that. - The reality, Mr Hillard,...
.. is that your lifestyle over the past month has been very unorthodox.
And I refuse to further subject three innocent children...
.. to your peculiar and potentially harmful behaviour.
It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs Hillard.
Oh, God, no.
You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday.
Supervised, sir?
A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children.
I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you.
We will re-examine this case one year from now.
Thank you. Court is adjourned.
I don't do laundry. I don't do windows. I don't do carpets.
I don't do bathtubs. I don't do toilets. And I don't do diapers.
My children have been potty-trained for some time.
Well, I don't do washing. I don't do basements.
I don't do dinners. I don't do reading.
Ah.
Yes. Well, we have your number. Thank you so much for coming.
- We'll be getting back to you. - Thank you.
I'll show you to the door.
Yes, here we are. Please...
Laura, that shipment has been delayed three times.
Yes, but...
Laura, I'm not gonna wait another six months for it.
You do that. Call me back.
Oh, guys, please don't be so depressed.
Everything's gonna be all right.
- I miss her spaghetti. - I miss herjokes.
I miss her stories.
Don't worry. We will find someone. There are plenty of people out there.
Nobody like her.
All right. I admit things were a lot nicer when she was around.
The house was so warm and cosy, the beds were always made, and the dinner was...
She isn't real! We have to stop referring to her as if she were a real person.
Hello, my dears!
We have a wonderful show today.
We have Mr Van Zandt from the Sierra Club,...
.. and he's going to bring some animals that are endangered species.
- Do you know what that means, poppets? - Did you say "puppet"?
Oh, no, dear! It's Kovacs! Welcome, Kovacs!
Hi, guys. Did you say "extinction"? Does something stink?
It's not something smelling bad. Extinction means there's no more of a particular animal.
- Oh, my God. - Doesn't that make you a little mad?
- Very mad! - Tell people about it.
I'm mad! You know why? Because next, it's the chimps! There are fewer chimps...
Doesn't it make you mad that humans play your parts in movies?
Ooh! "Planet of the Apes": who gets the role? Roddy McDowall! I'd be better than that!
- I'd be better than Charlton Heston! - And your rug is better, too.
You could fly to Persia on that rug.
- Shall we tell them where we'll be tomorrow? - Yeah. They wanna know.
Tomorrow, poppets, we're taking a wonderful trip.
But you don't have to pack because we're going in our mind.
We're going across the Atlantic Ocean...
.. to England, where I came from.
- You came from England? - It's a wonderful country.
- Do you know about England? - It's an island.
It's an island, dear. A glorious one.
- They have a queen and a royal family. - Oh! Just like a poker game!
- It's a full house. - Some cards don't live at home any more.
Thanks to mobile phones.
Do you know what language they speak in England?
- Pakistani? - That's right. In many stores they do.
But we'll get into that tomorrow, boys and girls.
- You owe me a kiss, Kovacs. - I'm gonna give you two.
- All right, dear. - Here's one on the cheek...
- .. and here's a monkey bite! - Aaarghhh! Oh, you wicked, wicked monkey!
Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye.
Cut!
That's a wrap, folks! Thank you very much.
We're a smash! Number one in our time slot!
Yes! Calls from Detroit, Cleveland, Chicago, Los Angeles...
- All with offers to syndicate. - Hollywood!
Daniel?
- Daniel? - Yes?
- Miranda. - Could I talk to you?
Yeah.
I'll be right out. Just wait here.
Welcome to Euphegenia's house.
A little draughty but... you know. It's nice.
What can I do for you?
First of all, congratulations on the show.
Thanks. You got to see the dress rehearsal.
We've... The kids...
We've been watching every day.
It's nice to know they can see me every day.
Look, Daniel. I know it's gonna take a long time to get over all the fights and...
.. all the horrible things we said to each other.
It's... It's so hard.
But I know somehow you and I will be all right and we'll get through this.
But the kids...
I don't wanna hurt our children.
So what do you want me to do?
You want me to pretend everything's all right? Put on a happy face? Smile?
Jesus, Miranda. You took my children away from me.
I can only see them now with supervision.
Some woman watches me with the kids like I'm some sort of deviant.
If I try to hug 'em, she wonders why. You know what that's like?
You just sat there in that courtroom and let that judge pass that despicable sentence.
- I was angry. - Oh, God.
- You hurt me, too! - You ripped my heart out!
You lied... Uh, you know what? I don't wanna do this any more.
I don't wanna do any more "who did what to whom".
Ever since this happened,I've been trying to make sense out of it.
And the only thing I know in my heart is that the children were happier...
.. when Mrs Doubtfire was a part of their lives.
Yeah?
She... She brought out the best in them.
- She brought out the best in you. - And you.
Yeah.
They miss her terribly.
- What are you saying? - Daniel, the kids need you.
I need them.
Well, tomorrow we'll have Frank, who is a make-up artist.
Oh! A big knock at the door.
Who could that be? And do we have enough time?
Mr Sprinkles, boys and girls!
Hello! What do you have for me today?
Mrs Doubtflier, I've got a letter from Katie...
It's the new baby-sitter.
Come on, guys! Get up! Let's go!
Come on.
It's gonna be all right.
Chris, wait right over there. Everybody.
Daddy!
Hi.
- What's goin' on? - I'm here to pick you up.
Your dad's gonna take you for a few hours every day after school.
Really?
What about the courts? That legal stuff.
- Ask your mom. - I took care of it.
No more supervised visits. No more court liaison.
- Just us? - Just us.
Go get Mr Bear.
- Go get your stuff. Hurry up. - All right.
- Would you like to come in? - I'll wait outside.
OK.
Thank you.
See ya.
"Dear Mrs Doubtfire. "
"Two months ago my mom and dad decided to separate. "
"Now they live in different houses. "
"My brother Andrew says that we aren't a real family any more. Is this true?"
"Did I lose my family?"
"Is there anything I could do to get my parents back together?"
"Sincerely, Katie McCormick. "
Oh, my dear Katie.
You know, some parents get along much better when they don't live together.
They don't fight all the time and they can become better people.
Much better mommies and daddies for you.
And sometimes they get back together.
And sometimes they don't, dear.
And if they don't,...
.. don't blame yourself.
Just because they don't love each other doesn't mean that they don't love you.
There are all sorts of different families, Katie.
Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy,...
.. or two families.
Some children live with their uncle or aunt.
Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents.
Some live in separate homes and neighbourhoods...
.. in different areas of the country.
They may not see each other for days, weeks, months or even years at a time.
But if there's love, dear,...
.. those are the ties that bind.
And you'll have a family in your heart for ever.
All my love to you, poppet.
You're going to be all right.
Bye-bye.
Split & Resync: Xenzai[NEF]